Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Practice in the art of being zen....

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a tendency to fixate on minor medical issues (or nonissues) and turn them into possibly life altering, maybe fatal, but most certainly disastrous, events.  I once had a yeast infection in college that I went to the ER for....twice.  Twice I was given Diflucan (which did not kill it thankyouverymuch), sent on my way, only to go home and play Dr. Google with myself and convince myself that my vagina was something like the girl's in the movie Teeth.  I eventually got some Monistat and it cleared right up, but there was a couple week period where I seriously thought my vagina was going to spontaneously dissolve into something resembling curdled cottage cheese and never work properly again.

Yesterday in the shower, I was soaping up along my stomach and I noticed a small, hard bump on the left side of my scar line.  I generally don't even get all up close and personal with the area around my scar because a) I have dunlap over my scar and that's kind of depressing and b) there is this weird, numb but still tingly feeling around it and in the area of my abdomen directly above and it kind of creeps me out to experience that sensation.  But yesterday I did and found this.  I consider it a major life win that I didn't drive myself to the ER for an ultrasound stat just to see what this was.  I actually rationally thought to myself "This is probably just some scar tissue that healed differently and it is most likely not going to affect my birth with T."  Then I texted B and asked her if she could stick her hand in my pants at the next ICAN meeting and see if she could tell what it was.  She is such a friend.  She also assured me that this is very common, so I was right with my first thought and doubly right in not incurring $19283894 in emergency room bills to tell me that everything was fine--besides, even if it were something that could possibly affect a future birth, what could be done anyway?

In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I briefly entertained the idea that it was a fibroid that will grow massively large during my next pregnancy, obstruct the birth canal and require a cesarean.  But that was pretty fleeting.  Longer lasting, but still relatively short lived, was the fear that my placenta might see this as a great place to take up residence and complicate things.  I have a really hard time not fixating on potential placenta complications, but I think I did (am doing?) a pretty good job this time.


  1. oh you poor thing!! im the same way. hypnobabies really helped me learn to just let go of my fears... sometimes...:)

  2. I definitely plan on doing the fear release next time! And the vbac cd too! :)