Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going

Thursday, April 28, 2011

And a couple more things

Man, that blog post felt really good to write. I mean, really good. Sometimes, I feel like we should be 100% committed, fearless and just gung ho about our next birth, but it feels good to be open to all of our feelings and concerns surrounding it.  I forgot a couple more things that I thought I should just throw out there that worry me, just so we are being totally forthcoming here.

In the event of an emergent transport, I live closest to the hospital in which I delivered A.  The hospital which has a VBAC ban, so I can only imagine how I would be treated.  A hospital in which my child was given bottles of formula after being taken off his sugar water IV even though I explicitly said I wanted to breastfeed.  The place where the nurse assigned to A slapped my hand away when I tried to touch him in the nursery because it would be "overstimulating to him."  I really, really don't want to have to go to that hospital under any circumstances.  There is a Days Inn (a little bit ghetto but whatevs) right across the street from the hospital in which I delivered E.  I'm also pretty sure we could find an apartment or house to sublet around there for a month and plan a delivery there.  Does anyone do that?  It would be kind of the same thing we would do if we went to Denton for the delivery.  I just know I cannot go back to the hospital where I delivered A.

I am also really, really concerned about the possibility of another long labor.  Even though it wasn't intense at all until the end, that really did a number mentally on me.

And I am also kind of embarrassed about the whole fire truck/ambulance business.  I most especially don't want that to happen again.  I know my neighbors were curious and even though I know to most people it wouldn't be a big deal, I find that kind of thing pretty embarrassing.

And what if we plan all this out, spend a ton of money either way trying to get a vaginal birth and we end up sectioned again.  Even if I have a great birth, I worry that I will feel like we wasted a lot of resources that could have been used elsewhere.

Some days I feel so ready and anxious to be pregnant again and have another amazing birth experience (and of course, to have another baby....because that's the point of all this, not just birthin' ;), and then others, I feel a little bit scared of the whole thing.  Sometimes I feel afraid of not feeling so amazing after my next birth--like E's birth was such a high that I can't possibly achieve that again.

I really hope I don't have to rename this's a good thing we have a couple more babies inside us.  I really do want my home birth one of these days.


  1. I heart you! Thats why we had Berk at my parents, to be close to my back up hospital. I actually DID want my previous (csection) hospital. Even though they were horrible, I knew I could steamroll them with my own demands and opinions and they would cower ;)

    If you have to rename this blog, I'll still read it and think you are the most awesome woman I know!

  2. Lauren, HA! Seriously.....I literally laugh out loud at most of the things you post. You have such a wonderful sense of humor. That is one of my favorite traits in a friend!