My dear friend C shared this blog post with me earlier this week, thinking it might be of interest to me. How my friends know me so well. She found it really interesting that this woman, who had a great birth, was scared to try again, while so many of us who didn't have a great experience with our births are anxious to try again and "get it right."
What's funny is that as soon as I read this piece, I realized I have a lot of the same fears about our next birth. Which is weird, right, because this lady had the kind of birth I dream about, and might think a cesarean would be a birth she'd dread. But, for me, my CBAC was so powerful and amazing, I worry that the next one, if I wind up with a 2CBAC, won't be as amazing as E's was. How strange to find this kind of "I get it" connection with a woman who had a vaginal birth. To tell the truth, I worry that I'm putting so much time and effort into working through all of my fears, going deeper into myself than I ever thought I would, getting all these Mayan abdominal massages. etc--if I wind up on the operating table again, will I feel like I failed? I certainly have none of those feelings about E's birth, but what if I'm not as lucky next time?
I really feel like I got the birth I needed with E--had I had my HBAC, I might have been stuck in the mindset that I was during my labor, being fearful and untrusting of all OBs and hospital births. I learned a lot about the different types of care a woman can get and that, yes, there are in fact, compassionate doctors and nurses out there who care about their patient's experience, great hospitals that encourage breastfeeding and will help moms work it out. I don't feel like I need to learn that lesson again. I feel like the lesson I need to learn next is about overcoming myself, going primal and getting done what I need to get done to birth my baby. Preferably vaginally, pleaseandthankyou. So, I'm going to keep it real and say that I do worry that I won't bounce back as quickly emotionally as I did with E if I have a cesarean birth again.
I'm sure I can cry all over B and K about this over the next couple of years.