Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

What If Wednesday

Ok, so I decided I needed a little bit of kitchy (and maybe a kit of bitchy?) for my blog, so I thought of "What If Wednesday."  Look, to be honest, I have a tendency to live in the realms of may bes, might could happens, or should this come to pass, and I know that is totally unhealthy.  What If Wednesday is going to be my little day of the week to sit with some of these thoughts that pop into my head because, while I don't want to dwell on them at all, I also don't want to try to suppress them so they pop up at the most inopportune moment.  Kind of like hemorrhoids, you know, worst. possible. moment. Like when you are getting in the birthing tub and you start to feel so incredibly relaxed and then you realize your butt cheeks are sitting about a half inch off the tub's bottom thanks to that giant hemi you just popped while sitting on the toilet attached to the breast pump.  Wait, was that just me?  Anyway, this will also not be a weekly feature because I could probably come up with 52+ "what ifs" between now and when we are pregnant again, but K & B would probably take away my internet access and that wouldn't be fun for any of us.  Maybe I'll alternate with catchy themes for maybe "weigh in wednesday?" Yeah, slight problem with that--it could easily turn into "where's my will to live wednesday" since my thighs haven't gotten the memo that adipose is not, in fact, the new black.  Yeah, maybe the kitch will just be occasional.

This week's what if was going to be kind of sitting with the idea of never having a vaginal birth, but for some reason I just can't with that right now.  I try, but my brain just won't allow me to go there, so I'm going to have to revisit that one soon.  And, yes, I know eventually I will have to confront it, but I've got time, people....remember my 6 month vow of celibacy? Yeah, got time.

So, this week, I'm going to kind of try to sit with what if I risk out of a home birth, not necessarily vaginal altogether, with T.  You'll notice this blog is named "Road to Home Birth After Multiple Cesareans."  Right now, I'm sitting at 2, which is technically multiple, but so is 3 or 4.  Let's not get carried away here, though.  I'm not just trying to have a whole bunch of babies until I get my dream birth.  I have always envisioned 4 children, so I think we are looking at 2 more chances to get a home birth. So, what if I risk out this time for whatever reason?  The way I see it, I really have 2 choices--UBA2C or go to a hospital.  The only thing is that here in Austin, I will never be able to find an OB who would take on a VBA2C mom, especially with no prior vaginal births.  And while I greatly respect mothers who really research birth and feel comfortable doing it on their own, I am the type who needs a lot of positive reinforcement.  It means a lot to me to hear B say that no, in fact, my small intestines are not going to come spilling out of my ass (that one didn't happen yet, but I thought it and I know she would tell me it wasn't happening) or K promise that I really won't die if I don't have an epidural.  So, that leaves me with a hospital birth and for that, I'll probably have to travel.

Apparently there is this doctor in Denton, Texas, which is probably about 4 hours away from me in Austin, who is like the King of VBAMMMMMMC (that's many, many, many, many, many, many cesareans), including those with special scars, named Dr. Cummings. Remember that VBA2C thread I mentioned a couple days ago?  A mama commented on that thread who had a VBA3C with an inverted T incision with this doctor in 2009.  Yeah, he's pretty legendary in the Texas VBACing world, and I am confident that I could have my best shot at a vaginal birth with him.  But, I have to ask myself am I willing to travel so far for this? I think, sitting here right now, the answer is yes, but there are a lot of logistics to consider as well.  I will have the 2 boys to consider. Would we make the drive every 4 weeks, then 2, then weekly to meet up with this OB? And then after that, would we move up there for the last 4 or so weeks of pregnancy--and what week would I choose? 37? 36?  Jason would have to stay down here to work, so how would that work? And where would we stay?  My parents (my relationship with my mother is far too complex for the scope of this blog) live in a suburb of Dallas, but could I really live with them again for that long without developing preeclampsia? Yeah, we would have to make room in our budget for a short term rental property. And could I do it without my midwives? I need them by my side when I am going through this, but they wouldn't be there if I had to travel all the way up there.

Still, all that is not enough to have me consenting to a RCS.  I suppose I could always just wait until the last minute and walk into an Austin hospital and refuse a section, but then there is the whole battling hospital staff while a baby's head works its way down my birth canal....that isn't my idea of my dream vaginal birth, either, but a girl will do what a girl's got to do to have a normal birth, right?  I don't want a vaginal birth at any and all costs, but I also don't want a RCS for no reason other than I have been sectioned before, especially with ACOG's new position on TOL after 2 cesareans.  So, I guess that is what it would come down to--travel or battle (hey, that almost rhymes).  Plus, I'm pretty sure I could hire B as a monitrice and go in pushing.

Does anyone else see how ridiculous it is that a woman would have to go through all of this just to have a chance at a normal birth?!?!


  1. Love your article, I'm sitting at 3 Cs right now, my last 2 were attempted HBAC & UBA2C. We will got the same route next time, but for us too it will be our 4th & final child.

  2. I had a VBA3C with a fused sacrum and softball sized fibroid with Dr. C in June. You can catch my birth story here I was lucky and Dr. C was only a 45 minute drive for me...and worth every single second. love him, love him, love him!

  3. McKenzie, thanks for the add and thanks for the compliment! :) I wish you many blessings on your journey and I am glad we are connected now on facebook :)

    FWD, thank you for sharing your birth story. These are like chicken noodle soup for my soul, except I am a vegetarian, so maybe more like minestrone. It is so easy to get caught up in the relatively few negative stories floating around out there, so I hold each success story close to my heart--I literally hunt them down. On that note, I was thinking about doing a birth story feature on this blog so maybe mamas in my position could easily access them all in one spot? Would you mind if I shared yours (with of course, full credit going to you and a link to your site)?