Thinking Too Much?

When E's birth story was published on the ICAN blog, I was still on my post-birth, amazing experience cloud nine. I am still riding that wave, but I find that, the further away from the birth I get, the more I am analyzing it, and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Someone posted a comment on the story that, at the time, I balked at, but now, I think I'm beginning to understand a little more.  The text of the comment is below:

Thank you for sharing your story.  I too am a CBAC mom, although I did eventually go on to have VBACs.  Your feelings about your CBAC will ebb and flow, and will vary a lot over time, even when you have had a relatively positive experience.  But it's good when you can see the positive aspects of your experience and give yourself credit for the very hard work you did towards birth and during labor.  That helps so much with the healing.
Blessings on you, and thank you for sharing your story.  It's so important to hear CBAC stories too.


I still am uncomfortable with some of the tone--although I am sure that was unintentional--of certain parts of the comment (and I am pretty sure this comment was left by a woman whose blog I really enjoy, so I am sure she didn't mean it in anything other than a supportive and positive way), but in particular, the bit about my feelings about the CBAC evolving has been on my mind a lot lately.

I have been noticing the more I think back on the birth, the more I wonder "what if?"  I'm not sure this is a bad thing--after all, E's birth did teach me so much about which sensations, while incomparable and sometimes painful, are normal to experience during a labor.  It is a pretty unique position to be in, essentially a first time mom with regards to laboring, but to also have a scar to consider.  I'm not entirely sure it's a good thing either, though.  I worry that I'm spending too much time thinking about things I would have done differently if I could go back and do it all over again, and I worry that if I over-analyze it too much, I will wind up staying in my head about the birth experience, which is exactly where I don't need to be for next time.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I could have just rocked my hips when B told me to?  Or what if I hadn't gotten out of the water? Or what if my mattress wasn't so soft and I was able to get on the bed and labor after getting out of the tub?  Or what if my baby weren't so big? What if I could have just gotten on top of the contractions for a second? And what if, when we got to the hospital, the questionable heart tones the doctor noted as the reason for the cesarean were just the normal decels a baby experiences during contractions, but he was being overly cautious as they tend to be with VBAC moms? What if I could have just gotten an epidural--would I have been able to calm down, continue laboring, and maybe have VBACd E?

I don't think wondering about all of these things takes away from the fact that I had a wonderfully transformative, empowering birth experience and a very positive CBAC.  I think it's probably pretty normal and natural for me to wrestle with these things the further out from the birth I get--of course, it's easy to think back and forget what I was feeling in the exact moments when I made certain decisions during the birth.  But I also wonder at what point I need to just accept everything that happened, take it as a learning experience, and stop questioning myself.

To be honest, I am scared that I will get to that place in labor again where I will panic, beg to transport and be sectioned again simply because I can't calm down and think clearly.  As I am sure many of you know, it is really hard to make rational decisions when you are in the throes of labor.  I have been toying with the idea of planning a home birth but remaining open to the possibility of transporting--preferably without the ambulance and fire truck thankyouverymuch--for pain relief.  I wonder if I have it in the back of my head that a non-emergent transport is OK, I may not be as likely to panic. And, perhaps, if I have a transport plan in place that includes pain relief as soon as possible upon arrival, things won't be as rushed if/when we do transport and I can (barring a true emergency) stop and consider all my options and make a choice that I won't look back upon months later and doubt.  Or maybe just knowing that I can transport, get pain relief and refuse a cesarean will be enough to allow me to relax enough to birth my baby at home.

Or maybe some level of analysis will come into play regardless of what kind of birth I end up with, I just don't know.  Do you find yourself analyzing your birth(s) be it cesarean or vaginal? RCS or VBAC?